Tomorrow my baby girl will be four months old and next month Cbear will be two. I'm finally starting to feel like the chaotic fog/survival mode that I've been living in the past few months is starting to lift and I'm working on figuring out life as a stay at home mom of two small children. One thing is for sure- it's kind of messy but I'm doing my best to find balance.
I'm one of those people who enjoy having time home alone and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm rarely alone anymore. Showering and sleeping (sometimes, although lately I wake up in the rocker in the middle of the night, with a sleeping Jellybean in my arms wondering how I got here?) are about the extent of my "me time". It's okay for now; someday I'd like to pick my hobbies back up again, though! I have two or three novels waiting to be written and artsy crafty things to make. Not to mention a house to organize. And books to read. For now, though, I try to work in a little bloggin' as a creative outlet and read on my phone when I get a few minutes. This is an area that needs improvement, as sometimes I feel my brain cells start committing suicide after one too many episodes of Word World, but I'm still figuring out how to have happy, clean children and make dinner and have clean clothes. Hmph. Similarly, the hubs and I are trying to find "we time" where one or both of us doesn't fall asleep on the couch just trying to watch a show together. But I digress...back to the subject.
When Cbear was born, we were living in the country and I took this love of being at home and alone a little too extreme, partly because it was such a hassle to go anywhere. It was an hour of driving, plus figuring out when and where to feed her while in town and work around naps...it made me crazy so we only left the house like once a week, if that. I didn't cultivate friendships like I could have and I regret that, but I've learned from it. I was happy being with my baby but I was also lonely and stir-crazy so when we moved to town I was determined that things would be different.
I've heard some stay at home moms say that they make sure to go somewhere every day, and up until a few weeks before Jellybean was born we were almost doing that. I got involved in MOPS, attended a Bible Study, took CBear to library story time and playdates, plus grocery shopping and running errands. While that was fine for a while, I'm finding that that approach doesn't work for us now. I can't stay home with the kids all day every day, but I also can't schlepp them around town constantly either. Balance. Now I'm trying to pick and choose our activities so about half of the week we have a morning activity (because I'm not messing with afternoon naps!) and the other half we stay home. For one thing, I don't like who I become when we are on the go too much...I get all naggy and rushed and flustered when my kids are just kids and it takes FOR.EV.ER. to get out the door and we're perpetually late. And I think hyperscheduling is rampant in our culture and although I do want my kids to have a variety of activities, I think there is also value in learning to slow down and enjoy a life that is a little more quiet at times. I'm still debating on whether putting Claire in a toddler gymnastics class is a good idea...hmmm.
I've learned a few things in the two short years I've been a mom and especially in the last few months since we became a family of four. First of all, a sense of humor is essential to my survival...otherwise I'd be crying by the end of every day (or by 10 a.m., possibly). I don't always succeed at this but I'm trying not to take life too seriously and enjoy the funny things my kids do and the humorous circumstances in which we find ourselves (like the time I thought it would be a good idea to put Jellybean in the stroller and Cbear in her monkey "backpack", a.k.a. leash, and run into Walgreens really quick. Let's just say the line was too long and I got all sorts of judgy looks as my toddler tried to run away and ended up rolling around on the germy floor trying to free herself of the harness. Nice.).
Teamwork between the hubs and myself is also turning out to be pretty important as we figure out this parenting thing. I'm lucky that he is a great daddy and husband and puts up with our messes and pitches in when he comes home from work, playing with the kiddos and doing CBear's bedtime routine and going on random cleaning frenzies when the house is too much of a wreck. The girls' nightly baths are becoming one of my favorite family times as we all crowd into the bathroom, each take a kid and talk about the day or laugh at the kids' antics.
More than anything else, I think I'm learning patience...mostly how I'm sorely lacking in it. It takes exercise to build muscles, though, and my patience is tested and stretched every minute of the day (so it seems). Trying to get a baby to sleep, a toddler to eat healthy food, discipline, never ever being able to finish a task I've started due to a million interruptions...these are just a few of the situations that make me feel incredibly IMpatient with my kids and circumstances. I wonder if in some ways this is how God feels about me...dealing with my same shortcomings over and over again. Thankfully he is infinitely patient and loves me anyway. Most of the time I feel like I fail miserably but it's all a work in progress and I get tomorrow to start fresh and try to do better. I'm so glad I have people in my life that I can depend on, but more than anything I wish my mom could be here to give me a hug and bestow some wisdom on my life...like how did she survive staying home with three kids without totally losing it? She always seemed to know just what to do in each situation, how to respond to us in a loving manner...I wonder if I will ever get there? I don't know...but I hope each day I get a little closer, find a little more balance, and become a better mom.
