I said...they heard...

There is a strange phenomenon happening at my house lately.  For some reason, certain things I say to my children get lost in translation from the time the words leave my mouth to the time their ears hear them.  Why do kids want to do the opposite of everything you tell them?  Can anyone else relate?  I'm like, guys, I'm trying to make your life easier, if you would just listen to me!  I made a little chart (wouldn't my husband, the serial chart/graph-maker, be proud!?) describing this. 

I Say                                                                           They Hear

Hurry up, we’re going to be late!                                Walk as slowly as possible.  Step in front of me and then stop so I have to walk around you.  Crouch down and examine every ant on the driveway on the way to the car.

It’s time to settle down for bed.                                 Let’s play tag!  And tickle fight!

Eat your dinner.                                                          Pick at/play with food and insist your tummy is full.  Continue this ruse only until all the dishes are put away, then dramatically fall to the floor and insist you need a snack because you are sooo hungry.

Go potty before we get in the car.                              Hold your pee until we are at the store/library/mall, etc.  Insist on using every public bathroom you ever see.  Bonus for touching all the germ-covered surfaces!

Open your mouth so I can brush your teeth.              Kick, screech, and go limp.  Under no circumstances should a toothbrush enter your mouth (Jellybean, I’m lookin’ at you).  Cavities and gingivitis are good, yo!

Watch where you are walking!                                   Continue to stare at me blankly while walking in another direction, until you run into a wall or sharp object.

Please stop swinging that- someone’s going to get hurt.        Swing the toy around until someone gets hurt.