I freely admit it: I don't enjoy every second of motherhood. Anyone who says they do, I hate to say it, is a liar. Because there's nothing super enjoyable about wiping someone else's poop multiple times a day and having perpetual spit up or snot stains on your shoulder, or dealing with toddler tantrums and wondering what in the world to do to stop them. I don't like being clawed and bitten because my baby's sick and tired and taking it out on me, or showering as fast as humanly possible while my two year old whines in the doorway the entire time saying, "I want mommy I want mommy I want mommy!" None of that is especially pleasant. And lately I find myself daydreaming of freedom...what it might be like to be able to do what I want whenever I want...to be spontaneous without having to pack a diaper bag, bring extra clothes in case of accidents, and work around naps and feeding times. A world in which I'm not driving down the highway frantically searching the glove box for a napkin while yelling toward the back seat, "don't eat that booger! Wipe it on this napkin, please!". I want to travel the world and not just via House Hunters International. And summertime really makes me want to go ride roller coasters! I used to have goals and interests that didn't involve anything to do with a "potty". But I've forgotten what it feels like to not have two additional lives depending on me for the majority of the day. And...gasp...sometimes I get frustrated by this. Sometimes I just want to hide from them and the incredible responsibility.
Does that make me a terrible mom? At times I feel like it does. When the kids are finally in bed for the night and I realize I spent the entire day stressed out, short-tempered with them, and dreaming of being alone for five seconds instead of enjoying our time together, I get this overwhelming guilt that I'm not doing a good job. I'm not listening to the little old ladies who tell me to enjoy every moment because it goes by too fast. Not only that, but I didn't get much of anything accomplished besides, on a good day, maybe one load of laundry, which is still sitting on the couch waiting to be folded, and keeping the pile of dishes from spilling out of the sink and onto the counter (if I'm lucky). Forget cleaning the bathroom or mopping the tile. And I didn't remember to sweep up the parmesan cheese I spilled on the kitchen floor until the girls found it and were rolling in it.
So I'm going to be honest here: My name is Kate (Hi, Kate) and I'm not Supermom. Oh, I would like to be. I would love to have clean and well-groomed children who always obey, who eat nothing but homemade organic food in our impeccably clean home which is decorated like it came straight out of a magazine. But that's not reality, and in my home it's more like barely controlled chaos. I start the day with good intentions but by 10 a.m. everyone's clothing (including mine) is stained by breakfast or bodily fluids, someone is crying, and I can barely see the family room floor due to scattered toys and laundry (yep, it was still sitting on the couch and Cbear thought she'd "help" fold it). I was putting dinner together today and someone brought me a diaper full of poop she thought she'd try to change herself...gee, thanks hon. You really shouldn't have. I look at other moms who seem to have it all together and wonder how they do it, because I certainly can't. However, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm not Supermom and THAT'S OKAY. I can't do it all because I'm only human. I'm doing the best I can, and sometimes that's great and sometimes it's barely keeping my head above water. It's a process. Oh, and if you are one of those moms who can do it all, please don't gloat about it because it kind of makes other people (not me!) want to punch you in the throat. And that's just not what Jesus would want. (J/K...I promise I'm not really a violent person).
I read an article recently about a mom who was learning about the great cathedrals of Europe. She learned that the people who worked on them never got to see them to completion in their lifetime. In other words, they worked hard day in and day out, dedicating their lives to a project they would never see finished. She compared it to motherhood: we, as moms, are building a legacy that we may never see the results of. But it is important work, and someday these little people we raise will become adults and maybe, just maybe, do something beautiful with their lives. So, while I don't think it's realistic to enjoy every moment of being in the trenches of parenting, I resolve to remind myself of the two tiny cathedrals I'm currently working on. There are some lovely, take your breath away and bring joyful tears to your eyes moments of mothering, don't get me wrong. There is also a lot of hard work and tears of sadness. But again, I remind myself that my life as a mom is important and these two little people are ah-freaking-mazing and I love them to pieces. And here are some practical things I do to maintain my sanity when they are slowly driving my mommy train to Crazytown:
1. Lower my standards (with regards to house cleaning/laundry/dishes etc.). I do the best I can, but the world is not going to end if I choose to play on the floor instead of dusting the furniture. It's just going to get dirty again anyway.
2. Stop comparing myself to other moms. They may have gifts and abilities that I don't possess, but I have my own mommy skills too. God chose me to be Cbear and Jellybean's mom so I must be the right person for the job.
3. Accept help from anyone who is kind and/or dumb enough to offer it. It takes a village.
4. Pursue an interest that is purely for me. I have several hobbies that I enjoy but one I'm focusing on right now is writing...there's really only time for one right now anyway.
5. Go on appropriate child-free outings. Right now in my life this is grabbing dinner with some girls while hubs watches the kids or catching a movie with him and leaving the girls with a sitter for a couple hours. Nothing earth-shattering, but it's nice to have a chance to miss them. And someday they'll be all grown up before I'm ready and I'll be free to tackle my bucket list. And then I'll probably miss my babies and wish they were little and clinging to my legs again.
