Any stay-at-home mom will tell you that getting out of the house every once in a while is necessary for your (and your kids') sanity...it also ensures that you shower and wear real clothes on a regular basis. Being cooped up in the house too long has literally resulted in my children trying to climb the walls. I'm completely serious. So, obviously it's a good thing to get out and around other people, and also it's nice to be reminded what it's like talking to another adult.
I'm not sure what it's like for everyone else...for some people it seems like no big deal. But for us, getting ready to leave the house is just ridiculous. You know on A Christmas Story when Ralphie says that preparing to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep-sea diving? That. Except someone always poops after you get all the gear on.
I know I can't be the only one...so maybe there's someone out there that can relate to this minute-by-minute account of my girls and I trying to prepare to go somewhere...anywhere! Or you can just laugh at my sufferings. Here's how our average morning might go:
7:20- Crap, I turned my alarm off. Jump out of bed and into the shower and hope the kids sleep longer than normal. As soon as my hair is lathered up with shampoo, Cbear appears in the bathroom doorway. I tell her I'll be done in a few minutes and she can play until then. She chooses to sit in the doorway and her pleas for juice escalate into higher and higher pitch until it's something unintelligible only dogs can hear. I switch to prison shower mode. Who wants to shave their legs anyway?
7:30- Get out of the shower and tell Cbear I'll get her juice as soon as I put my contacts in. She wanders out of the room and I rejoice, thinking she has gone to play in the living room. Wait, who is she talking to? Someone's crying. Cbear returns and informs me that Jellybean is awake because she went into her room and sang a song.
7:45- I pacify them both with juice and a show. Run to the bathroom to finish getting ready while doing a mental check that all the knives and sharpies are put away. Jellybean follows me and either hangs onto my legs or points at the toilet until I give up and put my hair in a ponytail and pick her up or let her sit on the potty and pretend to go. It's her new fascination.
8:00- Breakfast time! I think it would be fun to make pancakes for breakfast...oh who am I kidding, I just really want pancakes and decide to let them "help" me. I feel good about my mom skills because I'm teaching them how to measure, pour, stir, and cook their own food.
8:01- WHY did I think this was a good idea? Everyone is covered in flour, as are the chairs and floor. Someone falls off the chair they are standing on and demands a Tinkerbell band-aid even though there is no blood. Everyone wants held. I need to change clothes again. Breakfast takes an hour, and oh, goody, syrup is involved. I just made a lot more work for myself.
9:00- It's my least favorite task of the day...teeth brushin' time! I let them each have a turn doing it themselves and then I get to do it. Cbear does fine...for Jellybean it's the cruelest form of torture and she fights it with every fiber of her being. I think I need to work out my arms more; she's almost stronger than me. She alternates between flexing and trying to climb out of my arms like a tiny contortionist and going limp like a wet noodle. I say it's good enough and justify that her baby teeth will fall out anyway.
9:10- Time to get dressed. Find matching outfits for everyone by looking in various places around the house- their dressers, the dryer, and the pile of laundry on the couch. Cbear hates to wear clothes, so I give her two choices. She says pajamas. That is not one of the choices. Dig her favorite pink skirt out of the hamper and smell it...that'll do. Step in something wet in the hallway, wipe it up with a (clean) cloth diaper while hoping it's not a bodily fluid and making a mental note to mop later when I get time...ha! Dress everyone and fix hair. Their comb is missing again...how many new ones have I bought because there is a black hole in my house where hair combs and socks go to live? Find my own comb and dig through accessories until I find the pink hair tie Cbear requested. Fix Jellybean pigtails while she walks around.
9:30- We're probably late for wherever we were going to go. Find shoes for everyone and pack bags. Realize I need to wash diapers. Throw a load in, meanwhile Cbear needed to use the potty and found it necessary to remove all her clothes, including her shirt. She's now running through the house screaming with glee, "naked baby!" I contemplate staying home.
9:45- Everyone is re-dressed and we're about to walk out the door. I smell something suspicious. I ask Jellybean if she pooped, to which she shakes her head and points at Cbear. She is lying. I used the last wipe when I changed her this morning, so I make up some new ones and change her.
10:00- We are finally in the car. Jellybean uses her tooth-brushing tactics to avoid getting strapped in her carseat. Cbear climbs over the seat to inspect a drink I left in the cupholder. I tell them both they will get fruit strips if they cooperate and get in their seats. It works. They munch happily on their snacks while I go inside and pee in solitude. It's a beautiful thing.
10:10- We are finally on our way. Whew!
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